Oh there’s something I wanted to touch base on and it’s the fact that I’m not okay not okay just try to breathe hi everyone welcome back to my channel and he was Ashley I’m a single mom to three wonderful wonderful children age 13 almost ten and four I have lupus and I also have depression and anxiety I feel.
Like depression anxiety aren’t really touched on a lot I know a lot of youtubers are starting to come out and talk about it a little bit more but I know I’ve been missing from YouTube for a couple weeks.
And like I said it’s no one else’s fault but my own I have so much going on I’m completely overwhelmed and I kind of just wanted to sit down and talk to you guys a little bit about what’s going on in my life almost a.
Year ago I was diagnosed with.
Lupus almost two years ago actually no it was two years.
Ago I came home from Alaska and I had all of these symptoms that I had no idea what they were I saw a couple specialists and no one could figure out what was wrong with.
Me until I saw my current rheumatologist who then said you have lupus so she put me on medication which has been helping kind of trial and error kind of thing and I really feel a lot better than I have in the last two years which is awesome and I’m so grateful some things in life just happen and you kind of just get into a funk and you know that’s just where I am right now let’s talk about it a little bit.
The lupus makes it a lot worse with the depression my job my job gives me a lot of anxiety a lots been going on at work a lot haha I am completely overwhelmed to.
The point where I get home and all I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing obviously I can’t do that because of my kids and that’s not because like I don’t enjoy what I do because I really do I enjoy helping people and.
I enjoy my job but just some things have happened and I’ve got a lot more.
Responsibilities it’s not that I’m not grateful because I am grateful when you have a mental illness like depression anxiety bipolar stress can actually exacerbate those things it also exacerbates my lupus so I’ve been having.
Some flares here and there not as bad as usual but they are there are enough to notice my stress level is through the roof not only do I have extra responsibilities at work I have school on top of that sophie was extremely sick after my last video I took Sophie to the doctor again because she still wasn’t feeling a hundred.
Percent she was actually getting worse so I took her to Urgent Care on the Thursday after.
That video and she was diagnosed with scarlet fever of all things if you don’t know scarlet fever is a very rare there’s only less than 22,000 cases in the.
A year pretty much what it is is strep throat that has gone crazy in your body it’s caused by the.
Bacteria it causes rashes you can get romantic fever it can it really affect your body that’s kind of what happened with Sophie so luckily there is a cure she did take antibiotics so she is feeling better but that whole.
Last week really ten days was like it was horrible and that just aggravated my stress and anxiety to a level that I have never ever experienced before it pretty much left me in the state of I don’t want to leave my house depression made me want to just stay in bed all day so.
I would cook dinner and then I was laying in.
And we would watch Netflix on me and then I’d fall asleep and then I get up and do it all over again the next day and it’s been about two weeks that my symptoms have been exacerbated and even right now my anxiety is super-high filming this video just trying to breathe it just feels like chest tightness and I know I I know it’s the anxiety because it’s like it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest literally um I’m getting myself worked up so.
I’m gonna come back in about two seconds I’ve been having obsessive thoughts about all my goals in life and what I wanted to do by 30 and knowing I have nine months before I turn 30 and none of.
My goals have been that has really really.
Set in and for the last couple hours I have been trying not to cry trying to stop thinking about it I just I can’t and I’m not where I want to be in life if you ever set a goal for yourself and you know what you want and you work your butt off to get those things and you end up not having them it’s hard it’s really.
Really hard and I’ve been working so hard for the last two years constantly with YouTube schoolwork all three of those things and it’s just like.
When is it going to end when does it pay off so pretty much the gist of my video is I just want you guys to know that you’re not alone as.
Far as the Lupus it does make my depression worse it I’m sure you can.
See it in some of my videos where I’m like okay I could die soon or like I don’t know what I’m gonna die and my quality of life has gone down and it really has I’m not used to having to rest and not being able to do it all and it’s really hard to let go of that concept when you have been so independent for so.
Many years and then finally your body is saying you cannot.
Do it but your mind is still telling you do it and it’s really hard and it takes a toll on.
Your mental sanity and there’s a lot of different things that I’m worried about I constantly worry about like what kind of legacy am i leaving for my children am I gonna be an awesome mom or am I gonna be the mom who she didn’t care enough to go to my recital because she was sick or she was always in bed or we couldn’t.
Do fun things because she was always sick.
Don’t want that to be my legacy for my children and I don’t want my children to think that when.
I’m old and it’s like you know like I don’t want to be around my mom that’s not something I want I want to be a good mom it’s just hard some days sometimes I can’t even like ride bikes or play ball with my kid outside because I really don’t feel well I don’t have the energy literally work takes out so much energy from me and I feel like a horrible mom when I come home because I can’t do anything I literally cook dinner and some lay down and do nothing because.
I just can’t and some nights I don’t cook dinner until 7:00 because I just need to relax before I can even have the energy to cook dinner or sometimes if the kids don’t want to wait Brian you go cook dinner and you know I’m really glad that I have taught her to cook and other.