So my name is Sarah I’m 15 I have an eating disorder I’ve had her for two years you ever take I’m going into a residential treatment in an hour in ten minutes and I guess I just wanted to put out there like I just I want a document now what my goals are going in the last time I.
Went to treatment I was just going to prove to myself that I was sick enough to go I wanted to leave like I wanted to get out of my.
House I didn’t want to admit.
That I wanted to get help I didn’t want to admit that I actually wanted to not be struggling with this and I don’t think that I really wanted it to go away completely I just I wanted to have a break from my life from counting my steps and pacing I wanted a break from constantly like restricting and eating and throwing up and all of it like I just needed.
Some sort of break from my family and from.
My house and from my environment from school and that’s what I got no when I got out I was doing well for a little bit and then I just started to have lapses and.
I started to get worse it just it all slipped away within six months out I’ve been living like that since and this time when I was sent to the hospital I didn’t think that they were really.
Going to send me to the hospital I thought that it was just something they were threatening to get me.
To eat which it was but that doesn’t make it any less of an issue and I got there and I wasn’t focusing on food like I thought to myself while like this sucks but I know that I need this and I want to get better and so the easier that I can.
Make it for myself the more that I can.
Just comply with what they’re getting me to do like the easier that’s gonna be because I can’t purge.
Here and I can’t restrict here because I’m under constant supervision and so the past week I’ve done that and it’s opened my eyes because I haven’t been using my eating disorder.
Behaviors and yet the thoughts are.
So strong and they’re not even related to food that’s the thing I think that really opens my eyes is.
That this illness first of all an eating disorder is an illness it’s a mental illness eating disorders have I think the highest mortality rate of any mental illness I’m not suicidal I don’t want to die but something inside of my brain thrives on becoming.
Sicker and getting myself to the point that I’m too weak to do things to see my heart rate go really low at night and to hear a voice in my head saying that I can’t go higher than a certain number of my heart rate that doesn’t have anything to do with my weight that doesn’t have anything to do with food that’s my heart and something inside of my brain just doesn’t want me to get.
Better and that’s part of the reason that I’m so determined to fight it because I know that if I’m not recovering I’m dying and it’s.
Slow you feel invincible when you have an eating disorder you feel like you can do anything you can fit into all these clothes that you could fit into before every time that you reach a new low weight it becomes like your sanctuary and it becomes like the thing that you fixate on and you can’t go above that number because if you go above that number suddenly you’re.
Unsafe and the problem with this mentality is that as soon as you hit a new low it’s the new high and then the new low is the new high and then the new low is the new high and all of a sudden you’ve lost whatever and it’s still not good enough it’s never going to be.
Good enough it will not be good enough because you still see the exact same thing every single time you look in the mirror and that’s part of the illness like that’s part of it it’s like waking up and looking at.
A funhouse mirror and like you never know what you’re gonna see when you pass a window of a store and catch a glimpse of your leg you know you never know what you’re gonna see you when.
You walk past a mirror in a bathroom and there’s fluorescent lighting and like you don’t it’s terrifying there’s so many things that I miss out on because of my eating disorder I don’t want to do that anymore I don’t remember.
What food tastes like I don’t know what I like anymore I don’t really know it takes all of the pleasure out of eating and eating is such a simple thing like it should be so simple and straightforward like people know what they like and what they don’t like and to me at all it’s it’s safe in its numbers and its calories and grams it’s not food I don’t look at it and see food and I want to.
Look at food and just see food I just want food to not have to be something that I constantly think about I don’t want to be scared of going out not really the issue like the issue is that I have anxiety around all these other things surrounding food that don’t even have to do with like the atmosphere or the loudness or just how I feel about.
Myself like there’s so much more that’s connected in it just like food is the surface-level thing and I don’t want it I don’t I don’t want it any I don’t want.
This in my head and I don’t want to feel self-conscious about my body and I have the best support in the world that’s a big difference between this time and last time is last time I didn’t have anyone I had my.
Parents but they were just the relationship was so much worse because they didn’t know and they were scared and this time I have so many people and I’m being open about it and that’s not for attention like eating disorders are not.
Something I mean I have definitely felt like there are people.
That use them as something that they do for attention that I guess I guess cuz when you have an eating disorder it’s like once I get to this low weight then people will see me then people will care then people will want to help me like see me but it doesn’t talk like it restricting like these are behaviors that you feel like you’ll be seen.
Them so secretive that it only it only hurts you and it hurts the people around you but not because because you’re proving something to them like it hurts people around you because they see that you’re just completely destroying yourself slowly and you can’t see that cuz all you see is why am I not you know like why isn’t my life good enough like why am I not good enough yet maybe if I get to this number then I’ll be.
Good enough but it never works that way I just I’m sick of hiding it I’m sick of being sick and I’m sick of thinking in my.